Our reviews of the very finest in frankfurter film-making...
1) "Freddie Got Fingered"
Starring Tom Green, Marisa Coughlan, Mrs. Tom Green (Drew Barrymore), Harland Williams, Julie Hagerty, Rip Torn and his bare ass (try getting that scene out of your mind)
Directed by Tom Green
87 minutes
Regency
Synopsis:
The tender and touching love story of a million dollar animator from hell (Green) whose Indian name ought to be "Plays With Horse Weenies" who moves from Portland to LA to get rich and famous just to spite his dad (Torn) and Nurse Betty (Coughlan), the psycho blonde rockette scientist with land speed record rocket powered wheelchair and a real taste for sausage (and I'm not talking about Oscar Mayer if you know what I mean)
Great punk music sound track (including one of our old time favorites, "Personality Crisis" by The New York Dolls, etc). There's also a punk version of "I've got to be me" in the end credits which ought to make Old Blue Eyes roll over in his grave like a chicken on a rotisserie spit.
"Zebras in America", X Ray the Cat, Belligerent Beaver, cow suckling, semi truck/dead deer fu, high pressure elephant ejaculate fu.
Plays with his food, salami-rama, cheese sandwich company mayhem, elegant restaurant fu with orchestral movement.
Banana humor, umbilical cord humor, irate Pakistani mob humor, SWAT humor, hostage hilarity, super sizing at the Submarine Supreme and a spoof of "The Deer Hunter".
Multiple 6 year old neighbor maiming (you killed Kenny, you bastards!), overt Eiffel tower symbolism (see Nurse Betty), spankathon, scuba diving in the toilet, organ grinding, skate board mall fu, 4 x 4 skateboard ramp fu, broken bones, wound licking, hospital fu, gimp fu, caning fu, newborn fu and gratuitous Harland Williams fu.
There's a 3 minute PG version after the end credits but it's hardly worth seeing...
Sample dialogue:
"I need to spill some urine."
"I like rockets because they're hot, fast, hard and long..."
"I wanna eat chicken burgers!"
"He couldn't handle the complexity of making a cheese sandwich..."
"I don't care about jewels, I just want to suck your ---"
Only relevant hot dog scene: dancing sausages on a string with Steak Um's earrings
"The worst movie I've ever seen in my life" Mrs. Uncle Frank
2 Stars
It was the day after Franksgiving, the weather was horrible and we were getting the free HBO Preview...
2) "Little Giants"
Amblin Entertainment
1994
105 minutes
Starring Rick Moranis ("SCTV", "Honey I shrunk the kids"), Ed O'Neill ("Married with Children", "Ed", "Dutch") & Harry Shearer as the announcer
With special guests John Madden, Emmet & Bruce Smith (and several other pro football players I failed to recognize due to my damnable lack of a sporting gene)
Brothers Kevin and Dan O'Shea live in beautiful small town Urbania, Ohio (really shot in San Luis Obispo and you can see the brown summer California hills in the background shots).
Ex-professional football player Kevin (O'Neill) is the coach of the local Pop Warner Pee Wee League football team.
He also owns O' Shea's Chevrolet and O' Shea's Diner, which features a nice period counter, stools, booth and checkered tile floor, Art Deco ceiling light fixtures, matching wall sconces and stainless steel door grab handle, Casablanca fans, generic fast food promotionals on the walls (including a giant hot dog), and numerous pieces of memorabilia from his pro football career all over the walls of the restaurant.
His Corvette sports license plates which say "Heisman" and you will appreciate his hairpiece, especially if you've seen him as Al Bundy.
The local sports venue is also named after him (Kevin O' Shea Park) and the team (the Cowboys) is known as The Mania from Urbania.
Brother Dan (Moranis) who owns the local gas station, puts together an opposing team of asthmatics, fat boys, four eyes, geeks, klutzes, loners, losers, mama's boys, misfits, nerds, shut ins, tomboys, weaklings, wimps and everyone else who was never picked to be on a team and they all have colorful football nicknames such as Spike Hammersmith, Ice Box, Rad Tad, The Toe, Gas Man, the Bermanator, Fast Eddie, Viper, Streak and Hot Hands.
Quotes:
"They gained a yard!"
"Football is always 80% mental and 40% physical"
"You're a football team, it's kind of like a family only you get to hit each other..."
"Spike don't play with girls."
"You're cool, you're probably the only girl I've met who can beat up my dad"
"Wow! Spike knocked him all the way back to the second grade"
"Somebody's holding about a pound of Aunt Betty's nut butter right about now"
"Stick a fork in 'em, they're done..."
Gratuitous snot bubbles, extreme flatulence, rabid drooling, spit-swapping tonsil hockey, Gator-Ade / Spike / Gonad Fu, Corvette and Go Kart racing down Main Street and The Annexation of Puerto Rico
Only weenie relevance: Zoltec's Sausage "Our Wurst is the Best" and 50's panel truck weenie mobile with fake weenie nose cone (which is shown all of 2 seconds but...)
2 Stars
3) "Shriek if you know what I did last Friday the 13th"
USA Network
2000
Starring Tom Arnold, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, Shirley Jones ("The Partridge Family") as Nurse Kervorkian & Coolio
This movie is a hilarious spoof of almost every horror movie ever, including "Dawson's Creek" and "Baywatch".
There are literally dozens of cheap visual puns (our favorite kind but we won't spoil it for you by telling you about them) and the airhead Kielbasa Queen (Thiessen) wears a crown festooned with sausage and carries around her sausage trophy as well.
There's also a great serial killer/Mentos ("Mentals") spoof as well.
Sample Dialogue:
"Barbara, I can never be as beautiful as you or swallow as much sausage..."
She: "Feel like a hot dog?"
He: "Footlong?"
She: "At least..."
He: "I'm buying..."
It's a silly, silly movie and we highly recommend it.
4) "Twin Town"
English
1992
Trailer trash twin brothers wreak revenge on their rivals in a small, picturesque, seaside village in Wales.
Starring local Welsh actors we've never heard of and can't properly pronounce their names.
This was on very late last night and we almost missed it but if and when it plays again, we will take notes.
Great scenery, colorful characters, plenty of gratuitous violence (our favorite kind).
If you're a fan of the F-word, then this is your effing movie...
Hot Dog Fu, Really Hot Dog Fu, Casket Fu, Wonderful Welsh Weenie Wagon.
2 Stars
Dear Frank:
Hm-m-m-m.......do I dare watch it?
I found the video on Amazon.com.
They give it 5 stars, but warn: "Not for sale to persons under 18!"
But, what the heck! After all, everyone's two favorite actors are in it: Llyr Ifans and Rhys Ifans!
Ha!
Order up!
Sarah Kendrick
5) "Psycho Beach Party"
2000
Starring Lauren Ambrose, Thomas Gibson ("Dharma & Greg"), Nicholas Brendan, Buddy Quaid?
This is the story of Chicklet Aka Pauline / Ann Bowman / Tylene Carmichael Carmel, who exhibits multiple personalities when she sees polka dots and a killer knocking off anyone with an obvious disability.
Gibson plays Kanaka, the local surfer guru known for his bad beach poetry (he speaks almost entirely in verse such as "I know it's odd, she's like two peas in the same pod...").
There's also Star Cat (he's had 3 semesters of psychology), his uptight girl friend Marvel Ann, Lt. Monica (who's really a man), Yo-Yo and Provolone, his Italian buddy with repressed latent homosexual tendencies, Rhonda the vicious bitch in a wheelchair (AKA Princess Jillian on "All My Children"), Chicklet's best friend & fellow geekette Bernine (and we do mean best, if you know what we mean) and Larry / Lars, the Swedish Exchange Student.
Some semi-memorable dialogue:
"I'll have a frank".
"These guys only have one thing on their minds... want a wiener?"
"I love the smell of America, hot dogs, popcorn..."
"Who do you have to f*** to get a hot dog in this dump?"
"And I'm not paying extra for dialogue so cut the chin music".
"Honey, Lassie could fart out a better script"
"I guess some rat fink spiked my Orange-Ade".
"To track you down, I've had to consort with the lowest form of beach scum."
When Chicklet offers to do some sewing for Lars: "I'm not good with the needles. Each time I put my hand in the pants, I feel a prick".
"That wheel chair needs an ejection seat" standard movie cliché, salt-of-the-earth waitress
"Now that Marvel Ann is here I'm back to being Lassie to your Timmy..."
Is that anything like "...let's do it doggie style, you be Lassie and I'll be Timmy"...?
"Miss Barnes, why am I feeling a sense of deja vu"?
"I have a breath mint in my purse, will that help?"
"Are you incognito?"
"No, I'm German - Irish".
This film has it all: electro shock, somewhere-over-the-rainbow drive-in surprise twist ending, cross dressing, transvestitism, transsexuals, lesbianism, constipation, psychosis, and other unresolved issues, testicle stuffing ("...plenty of meat, only 1 potato..."), lame-O surfer sound track, cheesy surfing scenes, go-go intro and final credits, haunted house, beach shack, period cars, houses, clothes, furniture, pastel restaurant and drive in movie, gratuitous compulsive urine stained jock strap scrubbing, obligatory luau / orgy / ritual virgin sacrifice on the beach, mass murder and serial killing.
Blurbage:
"One of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life..."
"An all time low..."
"...so bad it's good..."
"Movie of the Year, if you're from Video Hell..."
3 Stars
6) "With Friends Like These"
New Line Home Video
1998
105 minutes
Starring Adam Arkin, Robert Costanzo, Beverly D'Angelo, Super model Elle Macpherson, Laura San Giacomo, Amy Madigan, David Straitham, Jon Tenny, Lauren Tom and Director/Actor Martin Scorsese.
Veteran character actor Robert Costanzo plays Johnny, also a veteran character actor (you have probably noticed him as a hit man in "NYPD Blue" or a dozen other movies) who's tired of being typecast as "...the second chooch on the left..." and is finally up for the role of his life, Al Capone. He tries to keep the audition a secret but, needless to say, all of his struggling actor friends scheme to land the role for themselves without him finding out. The part eventually goes to... Keanu Reeves?
Gratuitous Casper's Hot Dog commercial (a commercial within a film about film-making) with Adam Arkin in the performance of his life, as a hot dog bun.
Good (adult rated) dialogue, strong performances by Costanzo and Arkin and Elle Macpherson is always a pleasure to the eyes.
3 Stars
7) "The Corndog Man"
Third Row Center Films
1999
83 minutes
Starring veteran character actor Noble Willingham, who plays fishing boat super salesman Ace Barker at Triple K Marine, in the small town of Bougherville (which is properly pronounced as "Bowerville" but mainly mispronounced throughout the movie as "Boogerville"), South Carolina, Population 2007.
Ace is being stalked over the telephone by the local corn dog vendor, who says he wants to buy a boat.
Racism, rape, revenge and round steak.
Guinea pignapping, Olympic class projectile vomiting, corn dog in the eye, gratuitous potty mouth, voyeurism, hide the weenie by Ace's girl friend, Africa Bryan (that's right, Bryan) Seabrook.
Boat fu, fish fu, phone fu, corn dog fu and sausage fu.
Legal Disclaimer: "No actual animals were harmed in the making of this film. One Guinea Pig developed a slight case of indigestion..."
The sound track features songs by a number of recognized bluesmen such as Dr. John, Elmore James, Buddy Emmons, Tony Joe White, La Vern Baker, Jimmy Reed, Billy Preston, Paul Butterfield, Howlin' Wolf and Wah Wah Watson (actually, we never heard of Wah Wah Watson before but we sure do like the name).
4 Stars
8) "Baseketball"
(1998)
Written by Trey Parker and Matt Stone (the guys who created "South Park").
Parker and Stone also star in the film, along with Yasmine Bleeth ("Ryan's Hope", "Baywatch", "Nash Bridges"), Jenny McCarthy, Ernest Borgnine, Robert Vaughn and Robert Stack
We don't want to tell you too much about it and spoil it for you, but there is a great hot dog scene, (wienercide), posters of Usingers Sausage of Milwaukee decorate the stadium and Squeak-fu.
3 Stars
9) "Foolin' Around"
PG
1 Hour 40 minutes
1980
Starring Gary Busey, Tony Randall, Annette O'Toole, Eddie Albert and Cloris Leachman
A grinning country boy (Gary Busey) woos an heiress away from her snooty fiance.
Ersatz Wienermobile-fu, hang gliding/stained glass church window fu
4 Stars
10) "Motel Hell"
Motel Hell is a pretty weird movie. It stars ex-western star Rory Calhoun, as Farmer Vincent, who was in his late sixties when this movie was made and also features John Ratzenberger (Cliff Claven of "Cheers" fame). Also featuring a very young (but still very bald) hipster / swinger Robert Duvall and The Right Reverend Wolfman Jack.
Besides running a motel, Farmer Vincent and his sister/wife Ida are locally famous for their meat products, which just happen to be made of various travelers they waylay.
This movie is full of dark humor: "Meat's meat, and a man's got to eat", and "It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent's fritters..."
3 Stars
11) "What Planet Are You From?"
Starring Gary Shandling, Annette Bening, Greg Kinnear, Ben Kingsley and John Goodman.
Shandling plays romantic lead as alien Harold Anderson whose mission is to impregnate an Earth woman (Bening as Susan). His boss (and leader of the alien planet) Graydon, played by Kingsley, kidnaps the newborn. Goodman (as over-the-hill FAA investigator Roland Jones) kills Graydon and decides to keep the body as proof of extraterrestrial existence.
This was written, directed and produced by Shandling and long time Hollywood mega mogul Mike Nichols.
Someone in the cast or crew is obviously a VW freak as you will notice a copy of Hot VW's Magazine on the coffee table during the football game and Susan drives a nice silver New Beetle.
The are a few amusing lines of dialogue throughout the movie such as: "You're marrying a woman you've never had sex with? Haven't you ever heard of "The Crying Game"? You lift up her skirt and it's Oscar Mayer Time..."
The writers have also been kind enough to provide us with a few amusing plot devices such as the alien's detachable digital humming and vibrating wiener.
They don't make movies like this every day...
3 Stars
12) "Joe's Apartment"
Or the continuing saga of Video Hell: our story so far...
We have a friend we have known for approximately 25 years now (we met when Moon was a year old) and, to disguise his identity, we'll call him B*b.
B*b is a 30 plus year VW Master Mechanic and his main interests are hunting, flying and military style TV programs. He is a meat and potatoes kind of guy when it comes to food, doesn't build VW's as a hobby like most of my friends, and absolutely abhors much of what we watch on TV.
In short, we have very little in common, but we have known each other for years, so we get along anyway.
B*b is the one who calls what we watch on TV "Video Hell".
B*b has a theory that we really only have one tape of stuff we know he won't like and that we put it in the VCR and press the Play button when we see him coming...
We invited him for dinner yesterday, which is Moon and the Publisher's regular day off (Monday) and Family Quality Time as Moon calls it. After a dinner of Swiss steak, mushroom gravy and green beans, we adjourned to the living room to watch a Pay Per View movie off the satellite. It was Moon's choice and he selected "Joe's Apartment" which stars "Slider's" Jerry O'Connell.
It also stars several thousand talking, singing and dancing cockroaches. Many of you would categorize this movie as disgusting, but we found it charming, once you get past the concept. Evidently B*b didn't agree, though.
He was up and out of the door within 2 minutes flat: A New Record!
After we quit laughing, we watched the rest of the movie and realized that we want the soundtrack album.
Anyway, we are telling you this because of the very sick hot dog scene: weenies roasted over a flaming urinal puck!
Yummy, just like Mom used to make...
3 Stars
13) "The Bare Wench Project"
This movie is obviously a hype of "The Blair Witch Project".
It features 4 babettes, all with rather large mammalian protuberances, as Frank Zappa would say.
They spend most of the movie taking off their tops and running around that way.
And there are several interesting games involving breasts.
And there's a rather colorful character named Dick Bigdickian, a local shop owner.
There's also a gratuitous topless weenie roast, a chase scene through the woods, etc.
Did we mention the breasts?
The real kicker though is that it was filmed by our old friend Chuck Cirino ("Bloody Mama II", "Weird TV" and last year's "Mr. Potato Head Show" on Fox TV for Kids).
4 Stars
14) "Space Truckers"
1998
Not rated
Sterling
Starring Dennis Hopper ("Easy Rider", "Blue Velvet", etc), Debi Mazar & George Wendt (Norm on "Cheers").
Wendt plays InterPork's (Oscar Mayer in Space) company bully whose job is to insure on-time delivery of a load of "square pork" (force fed hogs who are genetically altered to fit the cage).
The drivers frequent The Hub Diner, a cosmic greasy spoon with space waitresses and a ketchup and mustard color scheme.
Space weenie with floating French's mustard, zero gravity fist fight, cannibal hot dog eating hogs.
Sample dialogue: "If I had an anus, I'd probably soil myself..." Macanudo (the villain).
4 stars
15) "Irreconcilable Differences"
1984
PG
Starring Ryan O'Neal, Shelley Long and a very young (10 years old) Drew Barrymore
O'Neal picks up a young girl who works at a hot dog stand, moves her into the house he shares with his wife and daughter, allows her to drive his wife's Mercedes and promises her a role in a movie, which eventually leads to divorce court.
2 Stars
16) "Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead"
Starring Christa Applegate (Kelly Bundy) who works at Clown Dogs.
Sample Dialogue: "Respect the meat..."
2 Stars
17) "South Beach Academy"
Rated R
1996
Artisan Entertainment
Starring Keith Colouris, Al Lewis (Grandpa Munster, the original "Car 54, Where Are You?") and gratuitous Corey Haim.
It also stars Nina the Hot Dog Girl (it says so in the opening credits). The closest we come to seeing anyone by that description is when the main character suddenly appears to have a hot dog in his hand in the middle of a scene and there is a hot dog cart in the background (Hollywood Hot Dogs).
This Edited for TV version also features Ron Jeremy, a short, fat, ugly, hairy guy who is well known in the X-rated movie industry for the size of his sausage, so to speak.
We suspect that there are 2 separate versions (at least) of this film as Mr. Jeremy is the sleazy owner of Club Madonna, where the women appear to just prance around on the stage a bit without really doing anything and the men in the audience fall all over each other in their haste to stick dollar bills in the "dancer's" garters.
The plot centers around wagers placed on a volley ball game and features a number of characters of interest, such as the villain Johnny Staccato and his right hand man, Pigiron, a muscle bound human meatball with a Mohawk hairdo and single digit IQ.
Other characters include Shannon, the disgraced Olympic volley ball star and love interest, Pina Colada (don't ask), Solitaire (a super model who is also an ex-Olympic athlete), the Spencer brothers, Harry (Colouris), Billy (Haim) and ex-nun, Dominique Anika (yes, that's one of the worst puns we've ever heard, too).
It also features babes, bikes (OK, one Yamaha ATV), bikinis and the beach (Miami and several other Florida locales).
Sample Dialogue: "She's your typical leather lovin' ex-nun biker chick dominatrix fresh out of the convent and headed straight for Heaven on a Harley..."
Gratuitous limo, yacht, cigarette boat and US Navy submarine.
We suspect that if you were to look up "mindless entertainment" in the dictionary, this is what they would use as an example.
If you like thong bikinis, this is your movie but personally, we would like the last 2 hours of our lives back...
2 Stars
18) "Million Dollar Mystery"
Not rated
1987
Starring Eddie Deezen, Wendy Sherman, Tom Bosley, Tommy Sledge, Kevin Pollack & Rick Overton
Diner patrons scramble after a chili eater (Bosley) dies uttering a clue to $4,000,000 stashed in Arizona.
Dialogue: "If I was rich, I'd never eat another chili dog..."
1 Star
19) "The 30 Foot Bride of Candy Rock"
1959 (B&W)
Starring Lou Costello, Dorothy Provine and Gale Gordon
Standard science experiment gone horribly wrong.
Sample dialogue: "I've been in the meat business for 20 years and this is the first time I've had to make a 90 lb hot dog."
"What are you complaining about, I had to find the bun?"
2 Stars
20) "Reckless Kelly"
Starring (?) Yahoo Serious
Custer's Last Hot Dog Stand, where "...9 inches is just average..."
1 Star
21) "When Nature Calls"
A bizarre parody of the ad to entice you to visit the concession stand at the drive in.
Animated dancing, fornicating weenies who urinate on the popcorn.
Jerry Lewis Fu, Marijuana Fu and Squirt, the Killer Poodle.
Gratuitous G. Gordon Liddy, Morey Amsterdam and Willie Mays.
There's no easy way to explain this one so we suggest that you see it for yourself and maybe then you can explain it to us...
2 Stars
22) "Easy Money"
With Rodney Dangerfield and Joe Pesci
This doesn't have a lot to do with hot dogs but with both Dangerfield and Pesci in it, what's not to like?
Sample dialogue:
Dangerfield: "Two with sauerkraut and a Yoo-hoo"
Vendor: "What'll you have?"
Pesci: "Nothin', I'll smell his..."
2 Stars
23) "The Naked Truth"
1992
Starring Bubba Smith, Shannon Tweed ("Hot Dog - The Movie"), Zsa Zsa Gabor, Billy Barty, Norman Fell, Lou Ferrigno and Little Richard as Grey Poupon
Actors join the FBI on a trail of drugs and ketchup.
3 Stars
24) "Burn Hollywood, Burn"
More details on this one later (when we find the rest of our notes)
Directed by Alan Smithee (the name used when directors want their name taken off of a film they are not particularly proud of having made). A satire on movie making, at least the way it is done in Hollywood.
Sample dialogue: "We never would have let him direct the movie if we had known he eats at Doggy Diner..."
3 Stars
25) "Chu Chu and the Philly Flash"
1981
Starring Alan Arkin, Carol Burnett, Jack Warden, Ruth Buzzi and a very young Danny Glover
A boozing baseball has been and a one woman band find a briefcase full of top secrets in San Francisco.
Arkin runs Vittorio's Fantastic Franks and lugs his cart up to the second floor to store it every night.
Great push cart chase sequence in the park, several other carts and vendors, gratuitous bus trip, dog eat dog.
"There's a hundred hot dog men here..." Flash
3 Stars
26) "Loving You"
1957
Not Rated
Starring Elvis Presley, Lizabeth Scott and Wendell Corey
A PR woman and a country music band leader turn a Texas truck driver into a Rock & Roll star.
Elvis sings "Hot Dog".
2 Stars
27) "Fatal Instinct"
1993
Rated PG-13
Starring Sean Young, Armand Assante, Sherilyn Fenn and Kate Nelligan
Directed by Rob Reiner
A cheating wife plots the death of her cop/lawyer husband for his insurance money.
Sample dialogue: "Look out, he's got a weenie..."
Great mustard squirt scene
2 Stars
28) "Fatso"
PG
Starring Dom DeLouise, Anne Bancroft and Ron Carey
A man must choose between his girl friend or his fondness for hot dogs, cake and Chinese food.
1 Star
29) "Zapped Again"
1990
Starring Todd Eric Andrews, Kelli Williams and Reed Ruby
With Linda Blair ("The Exorcist") and Karen Black and Lyle Alzado as Coach Kirby
A high school science major (who works part time at Wonder Wieners) rediscovers the formula for telekinetic powers.
Sample dialogue:
"What brings you to the wiener business?"
"I like to sell a product I am familiar with and I know my wiener real well..."
"Somebody help me with my buns."
"Get in the back and stack some wieners."
"Whack 'em and stack 'em."
"Stacked wieners are happy wieners..."
"...I get paid to handle a lot of wieners, you know, it's a girl thing..."
"You porked an extraterrestrial?"
"It must be Kevin in the Science Club who spiked the wieners."
Be sure to watch the credits all the way through for the disclaimer: "Kids, don't try this at home, we're trained professionals."
Catsup Squirt Bottle Fu, Flying Hot Dog Buns, Gratuitous Weenie Tossing and Magic Weenies
2 Stars
30) "Home Fries"
Available on home video
Starring Drew Barrymore, Catherine O'Hara of SCTV fame, one of the Busey boys (Jake, who also "starred" in "Shasta McNasty")
Preggers drive-up window girl (Barrymore) at Burger-Matic is targeted by the sons of psycho mom (O'Hara) who suspect she may have overheard them on the restaurant's FM headset when they deliberately frightened their stepfather to death with an Air National Guard Apache helicopter.
Absolutely no hot dog content whatsoever but well worth seeing for the early 60's vintage drive-in building plunked down in the middle of a wheat field in Nowhere, Texas or someplace equally desolate.
2 Stars
31) "Hot dogs? I like to eat any kind of dog..." The idiot from the preview of "The Visitors", a story about knights transported from the middle ages into the present.
32) "The Van" (It came from Ireland)
1996
97 Minutes
Irish
Starring:
Colm Meany (the engineer on "Star Trek: The Next Generation"), Donal O'Kelly and Ger Ryan
Synopsis:
Two unemployed pals experience success and strained relations after turning an abandoned van into a fast food stand for sporting events.
The truck was the living space for a pigeon, had an inch thick coating of grease, no motor and had to be towed by their car. They use the car's battery for electrical power. They are closed down by the health inspector for excessive grease and dirty fingernails, the truck is vandalized while they're inside it, pelted with D batteries, and almost rolled over (I'd have driven over the bastards myself).
The business is called Bimbo's Burgers and their slogan is "Today's chips today"
Then there's the deep fried dirty diaper incident and the health inspector, his (Meany's) son goes vegetarian on him (but still eats fish) and won't handle the burgers and they eventually grow successful, buy a motor and go to the beach, other sporting events and concerts, etc.
Their main menu item appears to be burgers and chips (pronounced "booger & chips") and they also serve hot dogs, sausage, fish, bun burgers, spice burgers (whatever the hell they are), onion rings, Twix and Mars Bars.
They drink quite a number of pints of Guinness Stout and go bar hopping (27 pounds for a bottle of house red wine?), go on a drunk driving spree, pass out on the freeway, sideswipe a car, narrowly avoid a head on collision, almost take out a pair "doing it" in a parked car, and finally drive it into the bay...
Technical terms:
Fook off, shite, bollocks...
Points of Interest:
A fairly pristine 1960's Mini Cooper
Another hot dog vendor in a red, white and blue trailer (American Hot Dogs)
1990 World Cup footage with World Cup paraphernalia: inflatable clover leafs, hands and bananas, balloons, pennants, flags, green clothes, jewelry, jerseys, T-shirts, make up and Irish soccer hooligans
Also featuring:
Irish biker scum, Irish punks, Irish soundtrack (Eric Clapton), more Irish names in the credits than in the Dublin phone book, shot on location in Kilbarrack, Ireland and sponsored by the Bank of Ireland
Things I hope I never see again:
Meany literally chews the scenery: "Hippie Hippie Shake"/ Colm Meany's moon, Disco Boogie Fu (a horrible sight to see Colm Meany dance)
Verbal Excesses:
A fatalistic pregnant woman discussing her half dozen children: "They're bastards, every fooking one of them, this'll be the last of them, with any luck it'll be deaf and dumb..."
"Take 'em to Missouri, men..." gratuitous John Wayne impersonation by Meany
2 Stars
33) "Dumb and Dumberer" (When Harry met Lloyd)
Newline Cinema
80 Minutes
The Cast:
Lloyd Christmas: ERIC CHRISTIAN OLSEN
Harry Dunne: DEREK RICHARDSON
Harry's mom: MIMI ROGERS
Ray: LUIS GUZMAN
Principal Collins: EUGENE LEVY (SCTV, The Mighty Wind, Best of Show)
Principal Collin's lover, the lunch lady, Ms. Heller: CHERI OTERI (Saturday Night Live)
Turk: ELDEN HENSON
The class bully; Carl: WILLIAM LEE SCOTT
The football player: Lewis: SHIA LaBEOUF
Skateboarder Toby: JOSH BRAATEN
Toby's new girlfriend Terri: TEAL REDMANN
Ching Chong: MICHELLE KRUSIEC
School newspaper reporter Jessica Matthews: RACHEL NICHOLS
The Plot:
Principal Collins and The Lunch Lady have conspired to use the two as the basis for a special needs class. They hope to pocket the promised $100,000 grant money for a condo in Hawaii, with Heller serving as their teacher and encouraging them to recruit other students for their class.
The Good Stuff:
Special short bus fu, ice cream truck car chase, shopping cart Olympics worthy of "Jackass", The Pirate George Washington parade float and one of the worst Weenie Mobiles we've ever seen (look quickly or you'll miss it). We tried to find a photo of it on the internet but couldn't.
A few notes:
The original "Dumb & Dumber" starred rubber-faced Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels. This "prequel" stars two look-alikes who will, no doubt, enjoy semi-success during their careers by picking up the roles turned down by Carrey and Daniels. Jim Carrey wanted $23 Million to do this movie and the total budget for the movie was, coincidentally $23 Million (and, they can always do "The Jim Carrey Story" later on).
By its' name, the average person of average intelligence will be able to discern that this isn't Shakespeare; it's a dumb movie. plain and simple, but it still has a certain moronic charm to it and we can't judge it too harshly. Mercifully, it's also relatively short so it doesn't hurt too long.
Moon rates movies by whether he'd pay to go see it on a Friday night and pay the full ticket price, catch it at a cheaper matinee one afternoon, wait for it to be released to the video rental outlets, it shows up on a free premium channel preview or when it finally gets around to being shown on network TV, usually with all of the best punchlines edited out and chopped up into neat little, virtually incomprehensible segments designed to fit neatly between the commercials but we think we've discovered yet another category (and it definitely applies to this film): when it's on very late one night and you can't sleep or maybe when you're home sick with the flu and have already exhausted all of the other daytime possibilities like the soap operas, talk shows, game shows, court room dramas and the so-called "reality" programs, then we'd recommend it...
34) "Weenie Roast Massacre"
As many of you know, we have a certain fondness for movies, shall we say, well off the beaten path, and we also write about them every once in a while.
We call that format Video Hell and "Weenie Roast Massacre" is right at home there, especially with only 3 hot dogs in the movie.
It opens at a back yard cook out in Michigan which I suspect is very similar to a back yard cook out in Toledo (I lived there 5 times).
And who can forget corn (and milk) fed Stan Wackerman (Mark C Holden), a hack, 3rd rate Midwestern TV newsreader with grandiose plans?
Quotes:
"I gotta drain the main vein..."
"...the sticky icky..."
"Let's not forget Google"
"Uh, Google?"
Weapons of choice: An axe, scythe, BBQ fork, shovel, automatic pistol (maybe a .45 cal or a 9mm) and Stan Wackerman's nice stainless steel .357 Magnum (I'd like to have one)
And notice the lower body of the red Ford van (we had a similar one in Ohio), which is totally rusted out all along the bottom edge.
Road salt can do that to cars in only a couple of years back there...
Body count: Most of the football team, several women, coach-fu...
Other points of interest: 2 breasts...
Written, Directed and Edited by the very talented JFK (John F Kerr) who also played Coach Paps.
Additionally, Mr. Kerr also wrote the lyrics for 2 of the songs in the soundtrack: "A knife named Murder" and "Salute the flag of rock".
PS: You can buy a copy of this cinematic marvel through our online store.
35) "It's watching you stuff your face with those hotdogs. Nobody --- and I mean nobody, puts ketchup on a hot dog..." Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry Callahan approximately 25 minutes into "Sudden Impact" (1983), arguably the most well known hot dog quote in a movie, ever...
36) "LA Story" with Steve Martin and Victoria Tennant (1991)
The only hot dog relevance is a scene featuring a floating Tail O' The Pup being airlifted across the LA night time sky by (an unseen) chopper.
37) "2010" (1984)
Heywood Floyd: I miss a hot dog.
Heywood Floyd: Astrodome? You can't grow a good hot dog indoors. Yankee Stadium. September. The hot dogs have been broiling since opening day in April. Now that's a hot dog.
38) "Battleground" (1949)
Pfc. Holley: Why, certainly. That's what we're fighting for. Boy, when I get home, just give me a hot dog and a slice of that pie. Am I gonna kick when I don't get my job back? No siree.
39) "Big Top Pee-Wee" (1988)
Pee-wee: I call it... the hot dog tree, because... it's a hot dog tree.
40) "Caddyshack" (1980)
Judge Smails: I want a hamburger... no a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a...
41) "The Dream Team" (1989)
Billy: How do you like the game so far? I'm having a ball. Great seats huh guys? it's funny the hot dog guy hasn't been around.
42) "Eddie" (1996)
Edwina "Eddie" Franklin: You know ["Wild Bill"] takes a chance every time he comes riding out on that dumb old horse, not realizing that eventually somebody's going to hit him upside the head with a hot dog.
43) "Ghostbusters II" (1989)
Venkman: Named after a hot dog, you poor man.
44) "Insomnia" (2002)
Det. Ellie Burr: Ketchup maybe. Was he eating a hot dog?
45) "Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday" (1993)
Creighton Duke: That makes me think of a little girl in a pink dress sticking a hot dog through a doughnut.
46) "Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde" (2003)
Paulette: You look like the Fourth of July! Makes me want a hot dog real bad!
47) "Memphis Belle" (1990)
Clay Busby: Sir, if they found out they'd put my hot dog in a bun and chow down.
48) "Planes, Trains & Automobiles" (1987)
Del: I can't forget it. I am sorry. I had no idea it was your cab. Let me make it up to you. How about a nice hot dog and a beer.
Del: Just a hot dog then.
49) "Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth" (2000) (V)
Hardy: Doughy likes to rock n roll, a hot dog makes him lose control.
50) "Zingo" (1998)
Jocke: Yes! It is hot dog. It's so tasty with ketchup and mustard.
51) "Dance 'Til Dawn" (1988)
"Red Hot" Ruth Strull: Hey, I remember you! Look, Ed, it's the weenie!
Ed "Wild Man" Strull: Hey, Weenie, how's it going?
Dr. Lefcourt: I'm a doctor now. It's *Dr.* Weenie--I mean, Dr. Lefcourt.
52) "Death to Smoochy" (2002)
Randolph: What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.
53) "Grease" (1978)
Danny: Oh, bite the weenie, Riz.
54) "Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge" (1991) (VG)
Rapp Scallion: Now I can finally rest within the fold of the earth... like a Steamin' Weenie on a hot bun.
55) "Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie" (1996)
Crow T. Robot: Into the weenie mobile, weenie man away!
56) "Sixteen Candles" (1984)
Samantha: Yes, three big ones, and they lust wimp blood so quit bugging me or I'll sic them all over your weenie ass.
57) "Van Wilder" (2002)
Van Wilder: If Milty Mingleton can shove himself into that weenie bikini, then you don't need to be shy about making your donations to the swim team.
58) "Prime Cut"
Directed By Michael Ritchie (Mr. Madonna)
Written By Robert Dillon
Starring Lee Marvin as Nick Devlin, Gene Hackman as Mary Ann (!), Angel Tompkins as Clarabelle, Gregory Walcott as Weenie, and featuring Sissy Spacek as Poppy and Janet Baldwin as Violet (in their screen debuts). The cast also stars a few Irish fellers and others with colorful names such as Shay, Delaney, Shaughnessy, OBrien, Jake, Jakes Girl, Reaper Driver & Milk Lady.
This is one we've been meaning to tell you about for years but remembered it when they showed it on the tube Sunday morning. We have no idea where our notes are from before and watched it again while I worked on the computer this morning.
A Chicago mob enforcer (Hackman) is sent to Kansas City to settle a debt.
It's the old Chicago / Kansas City, cattle / call girl circuit & house o' hookers / meat processing story.
Or as they'd say in "Motel Hell" meat's meat...
Our favorite scene: Weenie reaches for his knife and grabs a hot dog out of the rear pocket of his overalls instead (why do you think they call him weenie?) and this is one case where they actually did have to pry his cold, dead fingers from around his weenie...
Also, the hogs eat Hackman (still alive), the combine eats the Cadillac limo and there was a mob shoot out in a barn (ever seen that before?).
This movie is so old (1972) that Hackman actually still has hair...
We welcome your reviews but better yet, tape that sucker and send it to us, we'll deal with it...